We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
