he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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