There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
