OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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