I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
