My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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