More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
