i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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