anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
