She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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