so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
