I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
