I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will be naked everywhere
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
