I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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