I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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