Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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