Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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