"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
