I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
