I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
