What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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