i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
