In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
