I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
