He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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