I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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