If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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