Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
