If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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