Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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