When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
