First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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