By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
