By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
