Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
