Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
