Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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