there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
