she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
