If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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