You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
