This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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