i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
