did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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