Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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