lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
