I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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