She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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