Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
