Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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