Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
