At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Say something about gay babies.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
