just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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