Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
